I quit.

 

 

Dear Diary,

Not too long ago, I woke up disoriented, falling over myself, and nauseous. I couldn’t quit throwing up, and for the next two days, I felt absolutely disgusting. The worst part? I still had author tasks to do (such as advertising, finishing up Voyeur Season 2 Episode 5, taxes, and other personal matters). My heart wasn’t in it. My mind wasn’t in it. My body definitely wasn’t in it.

I was hungover.

For the last time.

When I was younger, I used alcohol as a coping mechanism to calm my mind and let my inhibitions lower enough to effectively communicate with others. I was awkward, quiet, and overly emotional about the smallest (and strangest) things without it. Alcohol killed all that, allowing my sense of humor to fully manifest. And I’m the sort to remember everything after I drink, so the next day I was usually able to laugh at my actions even when everyone else was busy telling me how I should’ve been mature or acted more responsibly. I loved it. The best part? I was rarely hung over.

Then I got older.

The hangovers started to manifest, creeping in with increasing discomfort and pain, until the other day when I woke up half dead and rethinking all my life choices. I ditched the rest of my alcohol and seriously pondered my life. Why, at this age, am I still putting myself through this? Why am I repeatedly getting drunk, only to suffer for it for days after? What’s the point? Yes, the buzz feels good in the moment, but it comes with so many caveats… I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s just not worth it anymore. I could be doing so much more with that time and energy than debilitating myself.

I wrote all that to write this: I decided to quit drinking.

Those of you that know me (either digitally or in real life) are probably reading those words with wide, astonished eyes right now. I don’t blame you. It was a serious paradigm shift and kind of long overdue. I mean, I’m 34 years old. When it comes to alcohol, I can’t just drink a little bit. What’s the point in that? I want to feel it. I want to be affected by it. That’s the entire point of drinking, right? At least that’s the way I used to think. 😷

Now I just need to find other things to make me feel the way I did when I was buzzed. Preferably not narcotic. 😄 Any suggestions?

#Alexaliens

 

💡 The More You Know 💡

Lobsters have bladders on either side of their heads, so they communicate by urinating at each other. If they want another lobster to know that they’re happy or sad or angry or interested in a relationship, they say it with pee!

 

Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links that earn me a small commission, at no additional cost to you. This is because I’m a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.

On being a rapist, and how my art imitates Life

 

Dear Diary,

Anne and I were once again braving public transit to run some errands (because unfortunately, not everything can be done online. Yet.) and stepped onto a train where this young woman was sitting in her seat, slamming her fist against the window and yelling something about rapists. Everyone on the train seemed to be messing with her, and as we sat down, she seemed to get even more riled up. She became frantic, increasingly manic, and loud.

She even turned to me at one point and called me a rapist.

I can honestly say that is the first time anyone has ever done that.

Everyone was laughing at her, making fun of her, and trying to spook her even more than she obviously already was, but me? I was intrigued.

Now, seeing someone yelling and acting bizarrely in downtown Dallas is not exactly a shocking sight (in fact, it would be alarming if I didn’t see it at least once when I went out), but this woman didn’t look the type. She had sharp, lucid eyes, was well dressed, clean, and didn’t appear homeless. She was also speaking clearly, enunciating perfectly, and her energy level was beyond what your average street-yeller has.

So I studied her.

Why, you may ask?

Well.

Since I was a little girl, the mind has always fascinated me. I kind of mentioned that in my last entry, but let me expound a bit. First of all, when I say mind, I don’t just mean the human mind – I mean a brain in general. It’s an amazing device. But that’s a whole other conversation. Actually, one of the characters in Voyeur’s season 2, episode 4 (which I just finished a few days ago) sums it up perfectly:

 

“You see, my dear, before I became the Elder, I was deeply into psychology – and theology as well. The minds of people fascinated me; I suppose you could say they still do. A brain is an amazing machine. It alone controls the entire body, while at the same time being sustained by it. It is a remarkable symbiotic relationship, wouldn’t you say?”

 

I became so fascinated with psychology because the behaviors of others rarely made sense to me. People seem mercurial, going from one emotion to the next within minutes: much faster than I. Why? I wanted to understand. I wanted to know the reasons behind the things people do. I made a career out of it, and when it was all said and done I found myself closer to an understanding, but farther from actual comprehension. People are too unique, and there are simply too many variables. Formulating a realistic hypothesis is almost an impossibility.

I guess what I’m trying to say is people are complex, and truly understanding them is difficult – no matter how well you think you know them.

This brings me back to this woman.

I tried talking to her, asking her if she was OK, if she maybe needed help, but she seemed more alarmed than comprehensive. And then the doors opened at the next stop and she practically ran off, and that was the last I saw of her.

And I was left wondering what caused her to act that way.

Story of my life. People do things all the time that seem nonsensical, and even though I’m often curious, I can’t simply ask them why they do what they do. Ultimately it doesn’t truly matter, and even though I logically understand this, it still drives me insane. 😄

I suppose that’s why writing has such a hold on me. I can create people, and I understand exactly why they think the way they do, why they do what they do. Their motivations and actions make sense – even if to most readers they might not initially understand.

Art imitates Life, no?

#Alexaliens

 

“I think happiness is what makes you pretty. Period. Happy people are beautiful. They become like a mirror and they reflect that happiness.”

― Drew Barrymore

 

Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links that earn me a small commission, at no additional cost to you. This is because I’m a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.