Damaged goods

Dear Diary,

A long time ago (December 15, 2018, to be exact) I posted an article to Patreon titled “Yes, I am damaged. Let me count the ways…” It was a deeply introspective piece about why I am so self-destructive with not only myself but my relationships as well. I didn’t write it to get attention (or help), I just needed to vent a bit and detour some people who really wanted to get closer to me than was wise. I figured if I warned them and showed them what they were in for, it would detour them a bit. It didn’t work, of course. Here’s a small excerpt from that article to give you an idea of what was written:

“I am a little bundle of contradiction, and I know it. I tend to drive the people closest to me insane, and only a handful are strong enough to stay the course and stay in my life anyway. Maybe one day I’ll find the person who can fix me, because I know in my heart that I am beyond the point of being able to fix myself…”

So yeah. Still true. All of it. Me in a nutshell. I know this is probably not the Alexa most of you are used to seeing – that Alexa is outgoing, warm, flirtatious, and a bit of a firecracker. And I am. All of those things. But there’s also another side of me, a darker side, which I try to cram deep within myself but that still tends to creep out in my stories and towards those unfortunate, unlucky bastards who really get to know me on a personal level.

Like my boyfriend, who some of you affectionately refer to as Dante.

He got to know me very well last night, and I don’t just mean in the carnal sense.

It started out innocently enough. We were joking about – you know what, to be honest, I can’t even remember exactly what we were joking about – inane, goofy stuff, basically. I was getting ready to come to bed, running around my place packing and generally just getting everything prepared to traverse to Anne’s in the morning (I have a package being delivered there) and, somehow, our playing turned into arguing. Which turned into a full-blown five-foot 100-pound bundle of fury in his face yelling at him, doing my best to destroy him mentally.

And I did. I actually brought him to tears.

I’m not proud of this. In fact, I’ve been struggling through the day trying to think about everything else – anything else – but have failed miserably. I would have rather he yelled back, stormed out, anything, except cry. And it was so strange to watch, because the only real male figure in my life is my big brother unit, and that dude never cries. Over anything. I love him so much, but there’s something deeply psychologically wrong with him to be that way.

Anyway, seeing Dante break down like that broke me down too. My anger quickly drained, and the words I spat at him began replaying in my mind. I was shocked at the level of hostility, hatred, and disrespect that I spewed towards him. I was also stunned at how naturally it all came out, how fluidly and quickly it slipped from my lips.

I am ashamed of myself. And I have no idea how to fix what I’m sure I’ve broken. I mean, I basically prostrated myself for forgiveness, and we had a long, deep discussion. He assured me that everything was OK, that things are always said out of anger that we don’t mean. I tried to be reassured by his words, but in the back of my mind, I couldn’t stop asking myself if what he was saying was true. Isn’t anger (and alcohol, for that matter) a gateway to Truth?

Long story short, we made up. We even made love. But things feel different now… a bit more artificial. I hate it. I want things to go back to the way they were, the way they should be, but I have no idea how to make that happen.

Which is why I’m writing this entry – hell, why I started a Diary to begin with – to kind of rid myself of some of the emotional toxicity that seems to bubble within me. And it’s working. Sort of. I already feel better. A bit.

But this still doesn’t change who I am, and I still have no idea how to fix whatever it is that is making me act this way towards the people that I care about the most. Much like Trump vowing to cure cancer and eradicate AIDS if he gets re-elected (🙄), me being anything even resembling normal when it comes to relationships just seems like an impossibility to me.

My big brother unit says my passion, my tumultuousness, is what makes me a good writer, and he wouldn’t want me to be any other way, but… even if he’s right, is the cost worth it?

I dunno. I wish that bald over muscled ape-like motherf@&*er was here now and not a city away. I really needs me some J.C. hugs right about now. I apparently have a lot to think about tonight. Poor Anne. She may need therapy herself come morning. 😅

Anyway, sweet dreams, my beloveds.

Thank you for listening…

#Alexa

💡 The More You Know 💡

Marie de Medici, a member of that famous Italian family and a 17th-century queen of France, had expensive tastes in clothes. One special dress was outfitted with 39,000 tiny pearls and 3,000 diamonds and cost the equivalent of twenty million dollars at the time it was made in 1606. She wore it once.

Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links that earn me a small commission, at no additional cost to you. This is because I’m a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.

So I’m laying here naked…

Dear Diary,

So, I’m laying here in the bath (I’d post pics but since this entry is also going on my public Patreon feed I can’t 😭) thinking about my brother. Bet that got your attention. See, we had a conversation a few hours ago about problems that I’ve been having with a certain phallus-wielding biped I’ll just name “Dante,” and it got kind of interesting. Relationships can be bittersweet, especially when both of you want the same thing but Life keeps getting in the way. It’s what caused the breakup with my last partner (Rebecca) and what’s always driven a divide between the people I hold most dear and me.

See, my problem is my work ethic.

It’s a bit extreme.

Whether it be my real job, my writing, or my side projects, I like to keep myself occupied. I enjoy so many things that don’t really require other people: games (mainly computer, though recently that has been shot in the foot until I get my new tower), anime, manga, movies, (obviously) writing, reading, audiobooks, Netflix, Hulu, etc. Etc. Etc…

If I try not doing any of these things for too long (especially writing) I get testy, antsy, and eventually hostile. And then I start having nightmares. It’s like a strange creative buildup that begins to turn acidic if it isn’t released. Does that make any sense? Anyway, my big brother unit told me that most of my problems are mental (shocker there 😅) and that most of these are a matter of perspective. I told him he was full of shit (as a baby sister is legally obligated to do) and he responded by digging out a copy of We’re All Doing Time by Bo Lozoff, with a foreword by the Dalai Lama.

You should have seen the stink-eye I gave him when he handed it to me. I am highly skeptical of religious books and was stunned that my brother (who is about as Deist as they come) even had a copy. But, as many of you know, my brother is pretty much the love of my life, so I decided to trust his judgment and crack the book open.

My mind was fucking blown. I had to tear myself away from it.

And it really made me think.

Life is so short, and it’s filled with so much pain and drama – on the flip side, of course, it’s also filled with love and happiness. I was thinking about this when a simple, yet profound thought invaded my mind: Life isn’t filled with anything, all those feelings and experiences come from people.

People.

And then something else dawned on me: I hate mustard. With a fiery passion you would probably be shocked to witness. I dislike the taste so much that it literally angers me when it’s offered. 😅 Silly, I know, but true. What does mustard have to do with anything? Well. See, since I hate mustard so much, I don’t use it in my food. Following me so far? Life is a lot like a recipe, an organic, constantly changing recipe. And people are the ingredients. How your recipe (Life) tastes (feels) is almost entirely dictated by the ingredients (people) you allow in it.

So, in conclusion, just like when you cook, if something tastes off, check your ingredients and see what’s making it taste that way – and then correct your recipe. This revelation was a bit of a paradigm shift for me, and it’s given me a lot to think about. What people do I need to let go of in my life to make it better? What people shouldn’t have even been there to begin with?

As I wrote, I have a lot to think about…

Anyway, writing-wise, everything is going fantastic. I just finished Sera, the fourth entry in the seven-part Exitium Mundi series, and have already started drafting the fifth book, Mike. I’m actually thinking of maybe stepping away from the Exitium Mundi universe for one quick light-hearted story, because Sera kind of did a number on me. I dunno. Another part of me doesn’t want to give up my momentum…

I also approved the audiobook version of Erotic Urban Legends: Broken Wings for its final production – which means it should be publicly available soon!

And then there’s The Siren’s Song, which is now officially available for September 1, 2019 preorder! Of course, if you want to read it immediately, you can snag the paperback and have it within days. It’s a crazy kinky story that you should definitely check out. It has heavy Wiccan themes and is drenched in sex and romance. Mainly sex. 😅

Anyway, that’s all I have to report for now.

Be good to yourself.

And thank you for reading!

#Alexa

💡 The More You Know 💡

Women who take hormonal contraceptives tend to be more attracted to men with lower testosterone levels and less super masculine physical characteristics according to research. But women tend to desire overtly masculine men during their most fertile times in their cycle (and more likely to stray during that time as well). That time period is also the easiest time for women to reach orgasm.

Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links that earn me a small commission, at no additional cost to you. This is because I’m a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.