How Anne saved me from a pizza related death!

Dear Diary,

You know, as I sat down to write this, something occurred to me: lately, a lot of my Diary entries have been about my life almost being snuffed. Hopefully this isn’t a dark foreboding or something. 😁😭 Anyway, continuing the tales of the attempts on my life, I have another culprit to add: pizza. It almost killed me.

Dead serious, if it weren’t for my Baby Squirrel, I’d likely be in the hospital…

 

See, I was typing away furiously at Devious Bitches (second revision! 🙌) when Anne forced me to quit working and eat something. If you know anything about me, you know how I hate stopping mid-project – I get mouthy, violent, and generally just murderous. However, I was hungry, so I decided to throw something in my stomach real quick and jump back on writing.

So I settled for one of those small microwavable pizzas, the kind with the hard foil bottom that makes the bottom of the pizza crisp when you nuke it. I had it on a small microwavable heavy glass plate and set it for the suggested time. When it was finished, I let it cool for a minute (as the instructions suggested), then opened the microwave to retrieve it.

So far, so good, right?

Well, Anne asked me a question right before I grabbed the plate, so I stepped away to answer her, then stopped when I started hearing weird cracking sounds coming from the microwave.

 

I turned around, and the motherfucker exploded.

 

The plate the pizza was sitting on just… blew up. Shards went everywhere. Some even bounced off me. Had I grabbed it when I was going to, I would have been all messed up.

Life is strange like that, you know? Unexpected things can just happen in the blink of an eye that changes your life forever. And the biggest of these, the things that drastically change us, seem to happen when we are at our most unguarded, when we least expect it.

It’s humbling.

One of my friends informed me that this was gods way of sending me a message, of trying to illuminate me to the fragility of life. And to, apparently, scare me into believing in it.

She actually got mad when I laughed.

See, I’m not a Christian. Or any other religion. I’m not an atheist either. For the longest time I thought I was a nothing, but a close friend of mine came at me one day and informed me that he knew what I was: a Deist (because, you know, people just have to find a label for things otherwise they flip out).

 

In general, Deism refers to what can be called natural religion, the acceptance of a certain body of religious knowledge that is inborn in every person or that can be acquired by the use of reason and the rejection of religious knowledge when it is acquired through either revelation or the teaching of any church.

 

I have to admit, the shoe fits. Succinctly, I believe we were created by something, but mankind has no idea what. I refer to my mindset as comfortably ignorant: I don’t know, and I’m perfectly fine with that.

You would be surprised at how many people are offended by my beliefs for some reason. Which baffles me – I mean, why do people care enough to get emotional over what I believe? Do these same people get emo when they discover that I don’t like a food they favor, or my sense of humor (yes on both counts I found out recently)? Or a political… never mind. People get offended by that too. 🙄 In fact, not only have I lost Patreon members recently because of my political viewpoints (I am not a fan of Trump) but friends as well.

This is why I tweeted the following:

 

Now, if I could just get people to participate…

Anyway, sorry for the rant, but then this is my Diary entry after all. You knew what you were getting into when you clicked the link. 😁

#Alexaliens

 

“I made no resolutions for the new year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.”

– Anais Nin

 

Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links that earn me a small commission, at no additional cost to you. This is because I’m a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.

My brother having a weak pullout game, Devious Bitches, and Beer-fi!

 

Dear Diary,

So my brother almost killed me today. Again. Last time it was with taco meat. This time? A Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion song…

 

(Law & Order clinking sound effects)

 

I finally got him to sit down and listen to WAP. I was dying to see his reaction to it, considering how straightlaced and stoic he usually is. I was nibbling on some fries, Anne was playing on her might-as-well-be surgically attached phone, and his model-ass bitch of a girlfriend was smirking, just as anxious to see his reaction as I was.

Partway through the song, he paused it and turned to his girlfriend and asked, straight-faced as all hell, “What’s a weak pullout game? Do I have one?”

Pandemonium erupted. I choked on my fries, Anne leaned forward and started laughing so hard she nearly dropped her phone, and his girlfriend’s face screwed up in this pretty little grimace before she alternated between laughing and trying to be serious. When she started womansplaining to him what that actually meant, he stopped her and said he already knew; he was just fucking with her.

I adore my brother, but I want to kill him sometimes. 😂

 

(Law & Order clinking sound effects)

 

As far as writing goes, I’m currently working on what was supposed to be a short story called Devious Bitches. The title pretty much sums it up. It takes place shortly after Phi Beta Pie and features several of my favorite characters (like Penny, Song, and Antonio) and a few new ones to boot (like Julie and Lori Marshall, Rachel Pritchet, and Peter). I finished the rough draft, and now I’m revising and flushing it out. It’s sitting at 42,900 words, but I have so many things to add that it will probably end up double that.

I’m not sorry. 🙌

Oh! Some exciting news! You might have heard already if you stalk me on social media, but if not: I just (re)launched my Ko-fi! If you don’t know what that is, it’s a place where you can buy a creator (like moi) a $3 cup of coffee. Or two. One beloved (who put their name as Somebody) actually bought me 18 cups! Love it! Although I love coffee, for me, this is more of a beer-fi (I’m not gonna lie!), but they wouldn’t let me call it that, so… anyway, do me a favor and check it out, and maybe buy me a beer coffee while you’re there! I would greatly appreciate it!

I also now have a Subscribestar.adult, which basically allows me much more creative (read: adult and mature) freedom than Patreon does. Not that I’m getting rid of Patreon, because I love it, but I want to be able to push the envelope a bit further occasionally, you know? I like creative freedom, and I’ve butted heads with Patreon a lot over it. Also, I’m planning on diversifying my portfolio a bit. Currently, I’m working like hell to catch my Subscribestar.adult up with my Patreon. It will take a while, but it will get there.

Anyway, that’s all that’s going on in my little world for now. Stay tuned, my beautiful #Alexaliens!

 

“I think one of the things that language poets are very involved with is getting away from conventional ideas of beauty, because those ideas contain a certain attitude toward women, certain attitudes toward sex, certain attitudes toward race, etc.”

Diane Wakoski

 

Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links that earn me a small commission, at no additional cost to you. This is because I’m a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.

Do not inhale taco meat!

Dear Diary,

Do not inhale taco meat! I’m serious. Don’t try it. I speak from personal experience when I write that this is a painful, life-changing event. Interestingly enough, it can also be thought-provoking and introspective.

Let me rewind a bit.

I was switching back and forth between furiously typing away at the rough draft of my current project, Devious Bitches, and catching up on last month’s tasks when my big brother came into my office and announced that we were watching a movie. I raised my eyebrow and informed him that I was busy. He nodded, walked over, and picked me up from my chair and carried me to the couch, carefully sitting me down and grabbing a plate of tacos for me that he made for dinner. His girlfriend was already there, as was my pet squirrel.

Fast forward an hour.

There I was, sitting on the couch, sharing tacos with my pet squirrel next to my big brother. His girlfriend was sitting on the floor in-between his legs. She likes to sit on the floor for some reason; me, I refuse to even walk around barefoot. I will straight levitate if I somehow miss putting on my house slipper.

Anyway.

We were watching this weird little movie on Netflix called Cam about this cam girl that gets her identity stolen by some paranormal… you’re just going to have to watch it yourself. Shits weird, yo. Anyway, at one point in the movie the plot is revealed fully, and it’s sketchy as all hell – and makes almost no sense. My big brother, right as I was rolling my eyes and taking a bite of my taco, busted out with, “Get that 2020 shit out of here!”

I lost it. I laugh-snorted, which caused me to inhale taco meat, shoot it out my nostril straight bb gun style, and BOY. The pain! My pet squirrel went flying, I kneeled over and spilled my plate right on his girlfriend, my brother started pat-slamming my back like he was a chiropractor or something… I wasn’t at my sexiest, y’all. 😭

I understand where he’s coming from, though. 2020 Was a hell of a year, filled with chaos, drama, and heartache. So much so that I, and many of you, are dead set determined to not let this year be anything close to the previous.

I know, it started out a bit rocky, but just because something starts out bad doesn’t mean it will end that way. Personally, I can’t wait to see what the year holds. Sure it will have letdowns and drama, but that’s just Life. I expect it.

So here’s to a new year.

Keep your heads, hearts, and souls up.

There’s nowhere to go but up. 🙌

#Alexaliens

 

“I have tried sex with both men and women. I found I liked it.”

Dusty Springfield

 

Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links that earn me a small commission, at no additional cost to you. This is because I’m a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.